School Bully

"I hate you. You are worthless. You'd be better off dead. I can't wait to come to your funeral"

This is the note a classmate of my niece's gave to a few girls in her class ( my niece was one of the 3 recipients)

My niece is 8 yrs old.

Note: this is not in NJ ( not that it couldn't be but point is no reason to worry about your local school) and I trust the school is handling it properly from what my sister tells me so not looking for advice to resolve.

Just wanted to share because this really broke my heart. My niece is a super- sensitive little girl and is also going through the horrific divorce of her parents right now. Any suggestions on anything I can say or do for her? Poor little thing.

Not sure there is much you can say to her to make it better but just be there for her and love her like you always do.

There are lots of books and online resources about bullying. I don't have a specific age level book but I'm sure it's out there. So sorry this happened. I do have to say the fact that she wasn't singled out is probably helpful. I think one of the most important things to learn from bullying is to realize that you wouldn't want to inflict the same pain on someone else (i.e. empathy). She's lucky to have you!

Last year at age 8, my daughter and her classmates really enjoyed the books, "Dare", "Tough", and "Weird" (a series) which are about standing up to a bully and being yourself.

And I find that just listening and commiserating goes a long way. I have shared my own experiences of being bullied with my kids. I have also just given long hugs without saying anything. And I hope that the other girl gets the help and support that she needs too. 8 is pretty young to be engaged in such strong language and specific attacks on other people. Wishing you and your niece better days ahead!

Truly sad on both sides. Focusing on your niece's side for a moment....

It's true that several kids getting this note softens the blow, or at least spreads it around somewhat.

The message for your niece I would suggest is this: everyone in the world has some degree of brokenness, and each of them has different degrees of brokenness at different times in their lives.

This person appears to be in a period of unusually high suffering at this moment. We can feel blessed, one, that we are not in a similar place currently, and two, hope we are granted the compassion to not feel hatred for the person tormenting us and the also the presence of mind to recognize that this isn't our fault in any case.

As far as the words I'd use, I'd simply say, "Don't ignore or forget about what happened. In life, there will be people who, for reasons that have nothing to do with you, will dislike you. They may even say they hate you."

"Part of being a good person is feeling compassion for them, and hoping for their sake, though they say they hate you, that they somehow find peace."

"Part of being a careful person is recognizing that you too could somehow find yourself in a similar place, filled with hate and anger and sadness with no place to put it. You always have to guard against those feelings, and if you are struggling inside call me and we can talk."

"Finally, part of being a maturing person is recognizing that sometimes, no matter what you do or how hard you try, things may not go the way you want. This person may never be your friend, and that is ok. It is not your fault. Just because you feel bad for them being in darkness doesn't mean you have to stain yourself with darkness as well. It won't help them in any case if you do."

"Everyone as they grow need to learn these lessons, and they are hard ones. Some later than others, some never. This time and place is where you'll learn them. Try to draw the right conclusions from the lesson, and if you need to talk to me or anyone about this, we're always here."

Good luck. It's always hard when innocents have their first brush with true ugliness. It's a blessing that she has a loving family to support her and light her path a bit.

This is all very helpful. Thanks for the advice and kind words. I agree about the child who did this being broken and feel for her. What makes it sadder is how broken my niece is right now- devastated over her family and suffering a lot of emotional issues. Her self-esteem is pretty shattered to begin with.

I think the school is handling it well in getting counseling for all involved with a focus on some sort of deeper program for the bully ( not sure exact specifics). The school is also not revealing to the children who the bully is at this time. Yes, as sad as it is to happen to multiple kids, I am glad it wasn't her alone because I really think that would have completely destroyed her.

I like the idea of those books. I'll check them out and order them for her. When I get her next weekend, I'll give her extra hugs and make sure I talk to her about how great she is.

Jackson_Fusion said:
Truly sad on both sides. Focusing on your niece's side for a moment....
It's true that several kids getting this note softens the blow, or at least spreads it around somewhat.


The message for your niece I would suggest is this: everyone in the world has some degree of brokenness, and each of them has different degrees of brokenness at different times in their lives.


This person appears to be in a period of unusually high suffering at this moment. We can feel blessed, one, that we are not in a similar place currently, and two, hope we are granted the compassion to not feel hatred for the person tormenting us and the also the presence of mind to recognize that this isn't our fault in any case.
As far as the words I'd use, I'd simply say, "Don't ignore or forget about what happened. In life, there will be people who, for reasons that have nothing to do with you, will dislike you. They may even say they hate you."


"Part of being a good person is feeling compassion for them, and hoping for their sake, though they say they hate you, that they somehow find peace."
"Part of being a careful person is recognizing that you too could somehow find yourself in a similar place, filled with hate and anger and sadness with no place to put it. You always have to guard against those feelings, and if you are struggling inside call me and we can talk."


"Finally, part of being a maturing person is recognizing that sometimes, no matter what you do or how hard you try, things may not go the way you want. This person may never be your friend, and that is ok. It is not your fault. Just because you feel bad for them being in darkness doesn't mean you have to stain yourself with darkness as well. It won't help them in any case if you do."
"Everyone as they grow need to learn these lessons, and they are hard ones. Some later than others, some never. This time and place is where you'll learn them. Try to draw the right conclusions from the lesson, and if you need to talk to me or anyone about this, we're always here."
Good luck. It's always hard when innocents have their first brush with true ugliness. It's a blessing that she has a loving family to support her and light her path a bit.

Wow! This is amazing! I hope it helps...

Getting hit both with the divorce and with the bullying is pretty hard for an eight year old to take. Is there anything you can do to boost her ego in other ways? A talent you can praise and help develop? Friends outside of school she can connect with? A special activity you can plan for together? A little positive reinforcement can go along way towards balancing the anguish she must be facing just now. Most important, is having an adult she feels she can talk to about all of this who will not be judgmental but accept her feelings. If you can be that person, it will be the best help of all.

@Jackson_Fusion

Thank you for sharing a beautifully written set of guidelines for how to interact with people at any age. I've printed it out for the next time I have to deal with a challenging student or colleague.

Joan, we try! I think I am that person for her. although wildly emotional and sensitive she doesn't talk about her feelings much which is hard. But she will talk to me if I ask the right questions. She had a great therapist that she loved but my sister doesn't like her now (she must have been honest with my sister- she prefers the ass-kissing therapists who just hand her drugs). I am trying to get her back to that therapist right now having my mother be the one who manages that. We have her taking ice skating which she loves and is excellent at and are encouraging her reading and drawing in which she also excels. I just bought her a huge art set to leave at her dad's house because we were talking about why she doesn't like it there and she mentioned not being able to draw and do her art. We also have her and her brothers much of the weekends and holiday time now and am working to make that more permanent. We do have some special trips coming up too.

conandrob240 said:
"I hate you. You are worthless. You'd be better off dead. I can't wait to come to your funeral"
This is the note a classmate of my niece's gave to a few girls in her class ( my niece was one of the 3 recipients)
My niece is 8 yrs old. ">
Note: this is not in NJ ( not that it couldn't be but point is no reason to worry about your local school) and I trust the school is handling it properly from what my sister tells me so not looking for advice to resolve.
Just wanted to share because this really broke my heart. My niece is a super- sensitive little girl and is also going through the horrific divorce of her parents right now. Any suggestions on anything I can say or do for her? Poor little thing.

We are having exactly this problem here in SO with our eight year old son. We have been heavily involved with the School Administration in trying to find a solution but their apparent belief that our son needs to help this deeply troubled little boy come to terms with his issues is swiftly bringing our patience to an end.

Jackson_Fusion said:
Truly sad on both sides. Focusing on your niece's side for a moment....
It's true that several kids getting this note softens the blow, or at least spreads it around somewhat.


The message for your niece I would suggest is this: everyone in the world has some degree of brokenness, and each of them has different degrees of brokenness at different times in their lives.


This person appears to be in a period of unusually high suffering at this moment. We can feel blessed, one, that we are not in a similar place currently, and two, hope we are granted the compassion to not feel hatred for the person tormenting us and the also the presence of mind to recognize that this isn't our fault in any case.
As far as the words I'd use, I'd simply say, "Don't ignore or forget about what happened. In life, there will be people who, for reasons that have nothing to do with you, will dislike you. They may even say they hate you."


"Part of being a good person is feeling compassion for them, and hoping for their sake, though they say they hate you, that they somehow find peace."
"Part of being a careful person is recognizing that you too could somehow find yourself in a similar place, filled with hate and anger and sadness with no place to put it. You always have to guard against those feelings, and if you are struggling inside call me and we can talk."


"Finally, part of being a maturing person is recognizing that sometimes, no matter what you do or how hard you try, things may not go the way you want. This person may never be your friend, and that is ok. It is not your fault. Just because you feel bad for them being in darkness doesn't mean you have to stain yourself with darkness as well. It won't help them in any case if you do."
"Everyone as they grow need to learn these lessons, and they are hard ones. Some later than others, some never. This time and place is where you'll learn them. Try to draw the right conclusions from the lesson, and if you need to talk to me or anyone about this, we're always here."
Good luck. It's always hard when innocents have their first brush with true ugliness. It's a blessing that she has a loving family to support her and light her path a bit.

This seems like an AWFUL lot to put on an eight year old. These kids are just trying to receive an education in peace without having to death threats. Is that really too much to ask?

Some age-appropriate things your niece might enjoy - the American Girl movie "Chrissa Stands Strong" and American Girl book "Stand Up For Yourself and Your Friends: Dealing With Bullies and Bossiness." The American Girl books are really quite good.

Klinker said:

Jackson_Fusion said:
Truly sad on both sides. Focusing on your niece's side for a moment....
It's true that several kids getting this note softens the blow, or at least spreads it around somewhat.


The message for your niece I would suggest is this: everyone in the world has some degree of brokenness, and each of them has different degrees of brokenness at different times in their lives.


This person appears to be in a period of unusually high suffering at this moment. We can feel blessed, one, that we are not in a similar place currently, and two, hope we are granted the compassion to not feel hatred for the person tormenting us and the also the presence of mind to recognize that this isn't our fault in any case.
As far as the words I'd use, I'd simply say, "Don't ignore or forget about what happened. In life, there will be people who, for reasons that have nothing to do with you, will dislike you. They may even say they hate you."


"Part of being a good person is feeling compassion for them, and hoping for their sake, though they say they hate you, that they somehow find peace."
"Part of being a careful person is recognizing that you too could somehow find yourself in a similar place, filled with hate and anger and sadness with no place to put it. You always have to guard against those feelings, and if you are struggling inside call me and we can talk."


"Finally, part of being a maturing person is recognizing that sometimes, no matter what you do or how hard you try, things may not go the way you want. This person may never be your friend, and that is ok. It is not your fault. Just because you feel bad for them being in darkness doesn't mean you have to stain yourself with darkness as well. It won't help them in any case if you do."
"Everyone as they grow need to learn these lessons, and they are hard ones. Some later than others, some never. This time and place is where you'll learn them. Try to draw the right conclusions from the lesson, and if you need to talk to me or anyone about this, we're always here."
Good luck. It's always hard when innocents have their first brush with true ugliness. It's a blessing that she has a loving family to support her and light her path a bit.

This seems like an AWFUL lot to put on an eight year old. These kids are just trying to receive an education in peace without having to death threats. Is that really too much to ask?

Thanks to those for the kind words, and to address both them and your post, Klinker- you are absolutely right. It's a lot. And she won't get it all, and she will still be conflicted and upset about the whole thing because, as you suggest, it sucks. And it shouldn't be happening.

What should be encouraged is one, not letting her feel like a powerless victim. SHE chooses, in abscense of some sort of physical act, how this impacts her. She has a choice. She can retaliate. She can be intimidated and lay down. She can blame herself. My suggestion is simply laying the groundwork for finding a positive way, both for herself and the world, to deal with ugliness.

Maybe it doesn't take root this time. Maybe it never does. But giving her a way to see the event a bit differently, even if, or perhaps in spite of the fact that she may be too young to get it this time, is the goal.

I don't suggest she be responsible for all of it- the adults must find a way to protect her, whatever form that takes.

And to be clear, thanks for everyone who said they were good words.... But they are just words, and I am ashamed to admit that I don't live up to them nearly as much as I'd like to- but when I don't, I know it- that's what matters- and I resolve to do better, which is really all we can do.

.

Jackson_Fusion said: SHE chooses, in abscense of some sort of physical act, how this impacts her.

In our case, we are past that point and, perhaps, it is the presence of physical violence (in our case) that colors my skepticism with regards to your approach.

(edited for clarity)

Klinker said:

Jackson_Fusion said: SHE chooses, in abscense of some sort of physical act, how this impacts her.

We are past that point and, perhaps, it is the presence of physical violence that colors my skepticism with regards to your approach.

There's been no violence. The bully passed a note and nothing more than that has been reported.

In an abusive relationship, it is not incumbent on the victim to heal the abuser. I have known way to many men and some who have paid too high a price for their belief that they had this obligation.

mjh said:

Klinker said:

Jackson_Fusion said: SHE chooses, in abscense of some sort of physical act, how this impacts her.

We are past that point and, perhaps, it is the presence of physical violence that colors my skepticism with regards to your approach.

There's been no violence. The bully passed a note and nothing more than that has been reported.

My son has been punched (see my post above). In the case of the OP's niece, death threats have been made.

again, I am not involved in how this is being resolved. It just happened and my sister reports its being handled well.

However, while just a note in her case and nothing physical, the tone of the note is quite threatening and frightening. My niece is not just hurt but scared she's going to be killed. She had been a bit paranoid about death recently and this has escalated it. It's not a note that says I hate you. you smell. While that would have been mean enough, this , IMO, crosses a line where it is almost threatening violence. I still feel bad for the kid who sent the note and hope they get the help they need. But if a kid who writes a note like that continues and actually exhibits physical violence, my inclination would be to push harder for more serious consequences for that child.

conandrob240 said:
However, while just a note in her case and nothing physical, the tone of the note is quite threatening and frightening. My niece is not just hurt but scared she's going to be killed.

We live post Sandy Hook. The world has changed. My son has been involved in martial arts since he was 5 and this helps him put his worries in perspective and it helps us a bit as well but we are also aware of what is possible and this motivates us to try to get the schools to take this situation seriously.

None of my comments have had anything to do with what happens to the offender. The original post discussed what could be done or said for the threatened child. It's in that spirit I offered my comments.

As to the scope of what should be done with the offender- that's for the adults to figure out.

martial arts might actually be great for her. I'll suggest it. Her current fear is that someone will break into her house and kill her. I guess stemming from the fact her father left.

First, my condolences to your niece and to your sister because I'm sure they are going through it. At 8 years old, it's a horrible issue to have to deal with.

My son's have not been bullied nor have they bullied but I have dear friends whose children have and their experiences were much like how @klinker described.

I'm ready for the slings and arrows, but honestly, if my child was getting bullied mentally or physically by a classmate, I don't give an ish about what THE other kid is going through. I only care about my child and the trauma he is experiencing and how the bullying effects him long and short term. Patience is a virtue I know, but how much patience to extend while your child continues to be bullied while this is all being figured out?

Wouldn't use lots of words, Maybe:

"you did the right thing to show an adult."

And: "A person would have to be feeling pretty mean to write 3 people a note like that."

"The teacher has told her, she may not write notes like that again. Let me know right away if she ever does."

ask teacher to seat victim far from actor. If conduct continues, consider switching classrooms.

mjh said:

Klinker said:

Jackson_Fusion said: SHE chooses, in abscense of some sort of physical act, how this impacts her.

We are past that point and, perhaps, it is the presence of physical violence that colors my skepticism with regards to your approach.

There's been no violence. The bully passed a note and nothing more than that has been reported.

Can't the mental aspect be just as bad, with or without physical violence?

Re: how things are at home for your niece. Anything you can do to help her mom cope will help your niece cope. The kids need to be able to believe that mom's got this. Even if she doesn't.

@Klinker - check your PMs.

Klinker said:

conandrob240 said:
However, while just a note in her case and nothing physical, the tone of the note is quite threatening and frightening. My niece is not just hurt but scared she's going to be killed.

We live post Sandy Hook. The world has changed. My son has been involved in martial arts since he was 5 and this helps him put his worries in perspective and it helps us a bit as well but we are also aware of what is possible and this motivates us to try to get the schools to take this situation seriously.

.

she is a sweet, kind girl. Being mean to another person would damage her soul and not feel good to her, I am sure.