Responsibility for an unwell relative

I have an elderly aunt in the next town over, whose health has gone into a steep decline over the last year. She lives with her husband, who is in better shape but has also had health issues. Of her two sons (my cousins), one lives overseas, and one lives on Long Island with his family. I've heard through the family grapevine (not directly from the LI relatives) that they would like me to "step up" and assume some responsibility for the elderly unwell aunt, because I "live close" and they don't. Problem is, I just can't, beyond a very limited role. I'm a full-time working mother with my own, pretty much all-consuming family responsibilities. I also have elderly parents of my own, who could start to have health issues at any time, which could compromise my ability to focus on my job; and I feel like I have to conserve my time in preparation for "spending" it where it really counts, if that makes sense... I want to reach out to the LI relatives to let them know that I care, and want to help, but I'm afraid that that will result in family feuding if I refuse to play as large a role as they seem to want me to play... would love some input from the MOL community. Thanks.

offer to help find a local service provider - draw the line early vs trying to re-establish boundaries later

new207040 said:
offer to help find a local service provider - draw the line early vs trying to re-establish boundaries later

Great idea!

Agree with new207040 that its important to establish your limits now. And its important to know your own limits. I've seen a few friends exhaust themselves trying to take care of multiple family members.

Every family (and each generation) has such different expectations that you should have a direct conversation. Do you know if they are expecting you to actively take care of your aunt? Or are they hoping that you would do a regular "check in" to make sure that she is properly taken care of?

This is such a difficult situation - good luck!

I agree. People have trouble with the word no, myself included, but you have to look after yourself. It'd be great if you could do it, but if you can't, don't try to...

Who could seriously expect a niece, who is already a full-time working mother, to "step up" ? Ah no.

You need to send a very clear message back down the family grapevine that you love auntie to pieces and you can not wait to see how the cousins arrange for her care.

Without being tacky, those who are first in line to inherit are also first in line to provide care.

I don't like the part that the cousins have not directly contacted you to ask a huge favor to look in on their parents, but are telling the family grapevine that you should "step up" and assume responsibility- very obnoxious. You don't have to explain yourself and your responsibilities to any one of them. Long Island is not on the moon either.

Give your L.I. relatives contact info for an NJ geriatric care manager and home health aides. Their mom and dad can get a reverse mort on the house to pay for same. The short version: remote plus expensive is possible. If L.I. child doesn't like expensive, said child can't do remote.

Have the aunt and uncle contacted the municipal social worker in their town? That is a place for them to begin and it doesn't cost anything.

There is a caregiving thread somewhere on this site. If it is still accessible after the upgrade, begin reading there.

Formerlyjerseyjack said:

There is a caregiving thread somewhere on this site. If it is still accessible after the upgrade, begin reading there.

https://maplewood.worldwebs.com/forums/discussion/id/88342-Caregiving-Thread-Sources-Answers-and-Support

There's a new website for SAGE. They cover a lot of services, in-home and advice as well as social. Great place to start for anyone who isn't sure what to ask or where to go.

http://www.sageeldercare.org/services/home-care/

When I lived in Monmouth County, my father developed terrible health issues and was hospitalized. Over the next year, he was in and out of hospitals, nursing homes, and rehab facilities. Mr. PeggyC and I were at my parents' house on Long Island every single weekend for that year and the year following, after he passed away, to visit him and help my mother get through it all. In fact, my brother, who was living in central CT at the time, was also there every weekend for the same period. That was a four- or five-hour trip for him.

The Long Island kid doesn't have a leg to stand on if they think you are the one who needs to step up. And I agree with MLJ that it's awful if they have not asked you for help, but are talking about you to others in the family.

I think it's important to talk to these cousins directly and ask them about the grapevine and what they actually think in this case. Remind them you have small children, that these are THEIR parents, not yours, and that one of them is certainly within reach to help a great deal. If you feel OK doing it, tell them that you can play a small role if it will be helpful, but set very firm boundaries as to how much time you are able/willing to give to this.

However, I will add that it's just possible the grapevine is exaggerating... that's why you need to talk to the horse's mouth, as it were. It's possible they are not really saying any such thing and it's the grapevine that's out of line. Check that first.

First, figure out what, if anything you are able and willing to do for your relatives. If the answer is that you can do nothing, that is absolutely OK. You owe them nothing. There are others with more direct responsibility ( your cousin in LI) who are close enough to step up. And, your responsibility is to your immediate family, not to an aunt and uncle who have other resources.

If this is the case, ignore the grapevine. Communication in this manner is not deserving nor does it require a response.

If there is anything that you would like to do, say check in on them once a week or even once a month, or help them with shopping, or to be a contact in extreme emergencies, or anything else, first you should talk it over with your spouse and children because given the fact that you are a working mother, something will have to give and everyone should be on board.

Then, if you decide you would like to be involved with your Aunt and Uncle on any level, you should communicate that with them and with your cousins, lovingly but with very very firm boundaries. Start with less than you think you are capable of. Going forward there will be pressure to offer more and it will be difficult once started, to offer less.

You could say - I have always loved aunt Ethel and Uncle Max and I would like to help. I wish I could do more, but what I can do is limited because of the demands of my job and family. Then you could either make some suggestions as to what you could do , or ask your cousins or aunt and uncle what they need.

If they ask for more than you can give, you can say: You know, I love Aunt Ethel so much. I wish I could help you with that but it's really too much for me, and make a counter suggestion as to what you could do instead.

It is possible that what ever boundaries you set, your relatives will try to ask/demand more. Be loving and firm. You can say NO and still be a good person. If you address this you will likely get unexpected phone calls asking you for more than you are willing to do . You may want to block your relatives phone numbers on your cell phone. This way the calls will go directly to voice mail. This way you will not be caught by surprise, and if they make demands you will have a chance to craft an appropriate response.

Don't worry about a family feud. There are givers and there are takers. You are clearly a giver. If a family disagreement results because the takers think you are not giving enough, then it is their loss, not yours.

I am so grateful for all the good advice being offered here, and also for the affirmation that I have the right to prioritize my own immediate family obligations over those of extended family, despite the coincidences of who lives where...

I do plan to call the LI relatives this week and now have a better idea of how to handle the conversation. It is extremely annoying that they have managed to cause me worry without even speaking to me directly... My sister speaks to them regularly and she's the one who conveyed to me that they were "hoping that [I] could help out because [I] live close." It's true that I really have no idea what exactly it is they are hoping that I can or will do...

ETA: The thing that really annoys me is that my cousin is very successful and his wife does not work... has not worked in many years and obviously has no idea what kind of limitations are put on the available time of a full-time working mother. I get so tired of having to defend and explain myself to people like that...

Don't agree to anything during the conversation. You clearly want to help and might , on the spur of the moment, offer more than you should.

Tell them you heard from your sister that they were hoping you could help and say you would like to but given the demands on your life what you can do is limited. Ask them what they had in mind and what ever it is , say that since your current responsibilities are more than you can adequately meet, this will require adjustment from the entire family and you need to talk it over with them before you commit.

Then get back to them with what you are willing to do. Good luck.

Dontcha just love that family grapevine method of (NON)communication! Geez.

You have many excellent suggestions here. I will add my .02 in saying address it immediately. Tell the family who run the grapevine that you heard it via the family buzz. Be direct, honest and if you care about your Auntie, be loving but firm. You can tell them (as suggested above) what you can and cannot do - you will feel much better once you get through this! Open it up and clear the air! = Freedom! (jmho).

A piece of advice given to me by two very good friends that I always keep in the back of my mind is this. NEVER do once what you are not willing to continue doing. Once someone thinks you are capable and willing on even the smallest level it will become your job and then, quite honestly, you are screwed. This is SO true! Trust me.

Maybe the Long Island cousin needs to look into relocating his parents into an assisted living facility closer to him out on Long Island.

I have a question: Do the aunt and uncle even know the family is discussing this??? Should not the conversations be generated by them or at least involve them, unless they are completely non compos mentis? If they can speak for themselves and their needs, why are the cousins trying to line up care for them that doesn't involve their direct involvement?

This is kind of weird on several levels.

Well, my aunt can't speak at all right now, and my uncle is not exactly the assertive type... whereas my cousin's wife is definitely the assertive, take-charge type, so under the present circumstances probably everybody is glad to be deferring to her and what she thinks is best. Let's not trash any specific persons just yet, before I've spoken directly to the cousins...

We see this sort of situation all the time, Peggy. And usually it resolves in one of two solutions: the parents have a better-supported local system for their continued independence (but need to hear from their own kids much more), or the entire family except the hapless local rescuer is in denial to the true level of need.

Bluepool, you can talk with us at Caregivers or Over The Hill Gang threads anytime Or just lurk, and gather whatever info you need for your family or to pass on. Your aunt and uncle and your cousins need to talk with some local 'hub' people, as mentioned above, so they can imagine what's possible and see how that matches needs and d'rathers. (That will probably take about 3 months unless there's urgent unmet needs) I'm sure everything will work out happily without Bluepool having to be further involved than catchup phone call now and again.

bluepool said:
I am so grateful for all the good advice being offered here, and also for the affirmation that I have the right to prioritize my own immediate family obligations over those of extended family, despite the coincidences of who lives where...
I do plan to call the LI relatives this week and now have a better idea of how to handle the conversation. It is extremely annoying that they have managed to cause me worry without even speaking to me directly... My sister speaks to them regularly and she's the one who conveyed to me that they were "hoping that [I] could help out because [I] live close." It's true that I really have no idea what exactly it is they are hoping that I can or will do...
ETA: The thing that really annoys me is that my cousin is very successful and his wife does not work... has not worked in many years and obviously has no idea what kind of limitations are put on the available time of a full-time working mother. I get so tired of having to defend and explain myself to people like that...

If the daughter in law does not work then she should be available to take on the responsibility and should not ask you to do anything other than be there in an emergency. She is close enough to come once a week. Please do not let yourself be taken advantage of. If it is something she can do SAY NO.

You are under no obligation to them. But some here should remember that a spouse who is at home with kids is in fact working.

FilmCarp said:
You are under no obligation to them. But some here should remember that a spouse who is at home with kids is in fact working.

The husband is very successful and the wife does not work and has not worked for many years. There is no mention of kids. And even if there are children they are likely older and relatively independent.

Of course women who stay home with kids work, but often their time and energy and resources are not stretched as thin as women with full time jobs who are responsible for children too.

sarahzm said:

FilmCarp said:
You are under no obligation to them. But some here should remember that a spouse who is at home with kids is in fact working.

The husband is very successful and the wife does not work and has not worked for many years. There is no mention of kids. And even if there are children they are likely older and relatively independent.
Of course women who stay home with kids work, but often their time and energy and resources are not stretched as thin as women with full time jobs who are responsible for children too.

They have kids... one teen and one pre-teen. And I'd be the first to say that mothers are working even if they don't have jobs outside the home... but if that's the case, then I work two full-time jobs, and I would hope that that gets taken into consideration.

bluepool said:
Well, my aunt can't speak at all right now, and my uncle is not exactly the assertive type... whereas my cousin's wife is definitely the assertive, take-charge type, so under the present circumstances probably everybody is glad to be deferring to her and what she thinks is best. Let's not trash any specific persons just yet, before I've spoken directly to the cousins...

Got it. Yes, that does happen. I was just wondering why the conversation seemed to have bypassed the most relevant people, and this explains that.

The most important thing at this point seems to be to speak directly to the cousins.