That list - #4 and #18 are particularly relevant for me right now!! I might need to share the list with Dolly & Twinkletoes
Go for it!
And to save us all from having to scroll back to the previous page to see which ones you're referencing, here - for your delectation and pleasure - is (drum roll, please!) the list:
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day”, I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and ask, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I’m doing today, and I say “nothing”, it does not me I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate it when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning. Then I don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminium can stuffed with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east”.
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds inside my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
Apropos of the image, below, I came unstuck recently when I bought some beef and chicken stock cubes. I thought the resultant stock I made up was somewhat insipid until I read the fine print on the package labels. Rather than chicken or beef stock cubes, they were 'beef-style' and 'chicken-style', with no meat to be listed in the ingredients. The word 'style' was in very small print. Sadly, the first - and, therefore, the most copious - ingredient listed on both packets was salt.
This product is from the Land of the Long White Cloud (there's a famous typo that has it as 'Clod'!):
Actually, grabbing the industry definitions from the late 1800s or so (the beginning of consumer protection by regulation) is quite eye-opening: most people would be very surprised to read what they’d be consuming as ‘cured ham’, and yes, even then babies were being nourished with ‘milks’ made from vegetable matter because they couldn’t thrive on the mammalian kind. Even Mrs Beeton’s contains recipes to make some of these at home. Not to mention the ancient apothecary’s digestive aid ‘milk of magnesia’, and the baking aid ‘cream of tartar’.
Once upon a time, girls and boys - and isn't that how all good stories begin? - you'd go to the library to look something up, and find yourself still there many hours later, having browsed the stacks as one topic after another caught your attention.
A bit of background may be in order first: with the current coronavirus pandemic in full swing worldwide, the eight Australian states and territories imposed temporary lockdown conditions on their citizenry and restricted interstate travel.
Australia celebrates its National Day on January 26.
The last scene - of a bloke standing in the doorway of an Aloha Airlines aircraft - parodies the Australian Prime Minister who, a year earlier, had famously taken a family holiday in Hawaii during the bushfire crisis.
January 26 is a date about which many Australians have an opinion, one way or another. I'll leave you to find out what it's all about.
I may, or may not, have posted this - or a variation - before and, it is my understanding, that it was written by someone whose writing style is very similar to Douglas Adams of 'Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy' fame, and of whom Adams is believed to have noted that he enjoyed reading the article and wished he had written it himself!
............................
Australia - The Confusing Country
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the ten most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has nine of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the nine most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, (though those that are there are usually deadly) possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won't go near the sea.
Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs.
The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads.
Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all nine wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.
The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died.
The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200-odd years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises.
They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain), and surfboarders.
However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick.
Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud. Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.
They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not, under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.
The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!". It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you, and on your first night, take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.
Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and wave off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook.
Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings: "G'Day!" "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick." "She'll be right."
Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.
* Thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them" "The Stick: Second most useful thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"
« Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task. »
« Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task. »
Unless it’s a snake...
However, your chances of finding a rigid snake which resembles a stick are generally limited to finding a snake which has become roadkill and has been baked in the sun for a few hours.
Stolen from a thread on pprune.org where the discussion revolved around using one's rank (military or otherwise) upon retirement from the services:
The use of post-nominals can backfire, as attested by an accountant who was a Master of Arts, had a Master of Business Administration and was an Associate Member of the British Institute of Management.
He wrote a letter to an accounting firm in Africa and used his post-nominals when he signed it.
He received a response a couple of weeks later, addressed to Mr Ma Mba Ambim.
Near the area where @joanne used to live, in the suburb of North Albury in New South Wales, there's a road called Wantigong Street. The name reminded a colleague of mine about a poem he heard many years ago.
'The Triantiwontigongolope', by the brilliant Australian writer C.J. Dennis, was published in 1921 in his "Book for Kids".
I confess that I hadn't seen the poem before, but I'm quite taken by it.
The Triantiwontigongolope
There’s a very funny insect that you do not often spy, And it isn’t quite a spider, and it isn’t quite a fly; It is something like a beetle, and a little like a bee, But nothing like a wooly grub that climbs upon a tree. Its name is quite a hard one, but you’ll learn it soon, I hope. So try: Tri- Tri-anti-wonti- Triantiwontigongolope.
It lives on weeds and wattle-gum, and has a funny face; Its appetite is hearty, and its manners a disgrace. When first you come upon it, it will give you quite a scare, But when you look for it again, you find it isn’t there. And unless you call it softly it will stay away and mope. So try: Tri- Tri-anti-wonti- Triantiwontigongolope.
It trembles if you tickle it or tread upon its toes; It is not an early riser, but it has a snubbish nose. If you sneer at it, or scold it, it will scuttle off in shame, But it purrs and purrs quite proudly if you call it by its name, And offer it some sandwiches of sealing-wax and soap. So try: Tri- Tri-anti-wonti- Triantiwontigongolope.
But of course you haven’t seen it; and I truthfully confess That I haven’t seen it either, and I don’t know its address. For there isn’t such an insect, though there really might have been If the trees and grass were purple, and the sky was bottle green. It’s just a little joke of mine, which you’ll forgive, I hope. Oh, try! Try! Tri-anti-wonti- Triantiwontigongolope.
I might need to share the list with Dolly & Twinkletoes 
When one door closes and another one opens, that's great unless you're inside the airlock without a spacesuit.